Whaleshipping
by Milkshake308
Summary: Because this fandom obviously needs another series of spoofs. ON HOLD.
1. Crossovers and a Thunderstorm

**Okay, this merits some explanation. I don't really like name-smooshing, so I entitle my ships with different things. Alek/Deryn is Whaleshipping, because...they're on a flying whale...**

**Just some random spoofs of_ Leviathan_, which may or may not include other random characters.**

**DISCLAIMER: I do not own any of this; it all belongs to Scott Westerfeld, etc., etc., etc.**

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It was a cold and rainy day. Aleksandar von Hohenberg, Emperor of Austria-Hungary, sat on his throne, his bored fingers drumming the armrest. Lightning flashed in the sky, shortly followed by a crackle of thunder. _So...bored_, thought Alek. _What I wouldn't give to be back on the _ Leviathan _with_—

BANG

The doors crashed open, and lightning flashed in the sky, silhouetting the figure of a tall woman in the doorway. She strode in and stormed her way up to the throne, shrieking "Alek, you _bum-rag!_"

"What-who-who are you?" squeaked Alek, trembling in the fiery aura of the stranger.

"Don't remember? Maybe this'll help jog your memory!" She stomped up to the throne, leaned forward, and slapped him on the face. Hard. Then, she strode back to the door, again, the guards too shocked to do anything but watch.

Alek stared incredulously at the still swinging doors. "Deryn?"

. . .

As she stepped outside the palace, Deryn Sharp smothered a giggle. Finally, after five years seething in anger, planning her revenge, two weeks in a dingy inn, waiting for a thunderstorm, and ten minutes outside the palace doors, waiting for the perfect moment to enter, her hard work had paid off. And the look on Alek's face when she slapped him? Priceless.

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(Tally meets Deryn)

"Your hair, is like, soooo unfashionable."

"Okay..."

"And your clothes, are like soooo 1914"

"Well..."

"And you live, like inside a whale. Like, how bogus is that?"

"Uh..."

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(Harry and Hermione meet Deryn)

"EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!"

"Hermione? Hermione!" Harry experimentally waved a hand in front of Hermione's face, but she was completely ignoring him, bouncing up and down with excitement, pointing at a woman in the distance.

"It's Deryn Sharp! EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!"

The woman spun around. " Er...who are you...and why are you hugging me?" For Hermione had just launched herself at the woman and latched herself onto her.

"I'm Hermione Granger, I'm like your biggest fan. I've read sooooo much about you, you're in sooooo many books! EEEEEEEEEE! I'm talking to Deryn Sharp!"

"Who?"

"Gasp!" Hermione unlatched herself from Deryn and turned to Harry, a shocked expression on her face. "How can you not have heard of Deryn Sharp! She's, like, soooo famous, even more famous than you! So, would you-"

"More famous than me?" Harry said indignantly.

"-like to join S.P.E.W.? If everyone knew you were supporting us, then we'd get soooooo many more people!"

"Uh..."

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**Wooo, crossovers! Please Review, and thank you for reading! :D  
**


	2. Random Word Generator

**I've been having writer's block, so I went to Random Word Generator for some inspiration**

**Also, does it say in _Behemoth_ if Bovril's a boy or girl?**

**DISCLAIMER: I do not own any of this; it all belongs to Scott Westerfeld, etc., etc., etc.**

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Perfection

The mixture looked too lumpy. Something was wrong. Deryn peeked into Alek's bowl to see how he was doing, and sighed. Of course, the prince could beat her in fencing and speak five more languages than her, but cook better than her? That was just pathetic. She was a barking girl, after all. Deryn stirred her concoction furiously, then maniacally, until Alek started staring.

"Er...what are you doing?" he asked, a confused expression on his face.

"What does it look like?" Deryn replied through gritted teeth. "I'm trying to make the perfect pancakes."

Alek studied her lumpy mess for a moment, and then disappeared into a cloud of flour and various other ingredients, soon revealing a perfect mixture. Deryn sighed. _Of course_, she thought as Alek began to pour the batter into a softly hissing pan, _the prince has achieved perfection again._

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Blame

"What are you doing?" asked Alek, sitting beside Deryn on the top of the _Leviathan_, with Bovril on his shoulder. It was a fine day, with fluffy clouds floating in the periwinkle sky.

"Drawing," she replied, holding up her sketchbook. Bovril jumped onto the outstretched book and sighed contentedly. Deryn got up and stretched. "Would you like to fence?" she asked.

"I never thought the day would come when you'd ask me that," said Alek, grinning, "seeing as how I'll win." He pulled himself up, but in doing so, the tip of his boot nudged the sketchbook, along with Bovril, to the edge of the whale, where gravity began to pull it down.

"My sketchbook!"

"Bovril!"

Deryn managed to grab her pad, but Bovril tumbled down the side, screeching all the way. Finally, it managed to grab a ratline halfway down the flank of the _Leviathan_, clinging on for dear life.

"Well, what are you waiting for?" Deryn looked at Alek. "Go get it!"

Alek looked nervously down the side of the airbeast. "Er..."

"Too scared, are you?" Deryn shook her head in mock disapproval. "Tsk, tsk. I'd have expected more from a barking _prince._"

"It's your fault Bovril fell. You should have grabbed it instead of your sketchbook!"

"My fault? You pushed it over the side!"

"And you suggested we fence!"

The two began to bicker furiously, not noticing a small figure crawl out a window and climb the ropes towards the still screeching loris. The person took hold of Bovril and began to climb up the whale.

"Bovril was designed by Dr. Barlow! It's her life's work! And you say your sketchbook was more important! You go get it!"

"Excuse me." Dr. Nora Darwin Barlow's head poked up from the side of the airbeast. She pulled herself up to face Alek and Deryn. "But while the two of you were having your...discussion, this loris was in a perilous situation." She held up Bovril, who cackled maniacally. It jumped out of her hand and slithered back up Alek's arm to his shoulder.

"I-you-_you_ rescued Bovril?" asked Alek. "But...you're a woman!" Alek sputtered, not noticing Deryn's murderous glare.

"There are many things that women can do that would surprise you. Ask your friend Dylan, for instance." And with that, she smiled and walked away.

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**Any more ideas? Please review, and thank you for reading!**


	3. Vacation

**February Break is finally here, yay! So, to heighten my joy, I've decided to make my characters learn... *evil cackle* Well, anyways, enjoy!**

**Disclaimer: I am not Scott Westerfeld. If I was, I wouldn't be writing fanfiction, I'd be writing Goliath...**

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"And this is a Stormwalker," said Alek, pointing to a picture in the book.

"Aye, I remember," sighed Dylan.

"And this is the _Herkules_,"

"Barking spiders, that one was huge. By the way, do you know what was holding us down then?"

"Er...a dozen gold bars. Anyways, this is—"

"A _dozen?_ You had that many?"

"—The _Goeben_, see, those are the kraken fighting arms."

"Yes, yes, I've seen them all already."

"So, are you ready to pilot one?"

"If a prince can do it, so can I..."

. . .

Five minutes later, Alek stared at the wreckage of the training walker. "You know," he said thoughtfully, "it takes special talent to do that to a walker in such a short amount of time."

"Thanks, that really helps to boost my morale."

"Eh, every pilot goes through that. Ready to try again?"

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"What? No. First you try to teach me to become a Clanker, now you want me to read Shakespeare?" Dylan looked in horror at the thick, richly decorated book.

"Please, Dylan? Give it a shot. Here, try reading _Romeo and Juliet._ It's about a boy and girl who fall in love, but they have to keep it secret because their families hate each other, so they—Dylan? What's wrong?" A new expression had appeared on the boy's face, a mixture of shock and...something else.

"Let me see that," said Dylan, reaching out and taking the book. "Maybe..." He set off muttering to himself while walking down the hallway to his cabin.

Alek smiled and shook his head.

Classical literature couldn't be beat.

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**Please review, constructive criticism please. I want to be able to make these better, even minor things like spelling or grammar.**

**I love writing from Alek's POV, he's so oblivious! **

**Also, should I make my chapters longer? Probably...oh well...maybe over break...**


	4. Fluffy Walker Lessons

**A bit of fluff in this chapter, and an extension of Deryn's walker lessons.**

**Another double spoof. Now that I'm on February Break, I'll be updating more often. Enjoy!**

**DISCLAIMER: I do not own this...and I am not Scott Westerfeld.**

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The Library

"There you are, Alek. Volger says it's time for your fencing lesson." Dylan walked in, munching on a half-eaten donut.

"We're on the run from the Germans, on a British airship, and he wants to fence?" Alek asked indignantly. "Really?"

"Yes, and he says right away, or 'I will skewer both of you.' "

"Fine." Alek set down his book and stood up. "I was just reading a really interesting book."

"What book?" Dylan looked genuinely interested

"It's called _The Ballad of Mulan_. It's about a girl who dressed up as a man to join the army. It's really quite good." His words were met by an odd spluttering sound; Dylan was choking on his donut.

When Dylan had recovered, he choked out, "You think it's good? Not like..."

"Like I think she doesn't know her place? Well, she spent three years in the army, and came back a hero. That's definitely amazing for a common girl to accomplish. I think—"

"You really should go to your fencing lesson, Alek, or Volger will have both our heads." There was an odd spark of anger in Dylan's eyes.

"Er...sure. " As Alek walked away, he noticed Dylan picking up the book and flipping through the page. _What has gotten into him?_ Alek wondered.

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Outside

"No, not that lever! Don't press too hard! Don't—ack!"

The walker took a jerky step forward, and then collapsed.

"Wait, no!" Alek attempted to wrest the gears away from Dylan, but it was to no avail.

"Give me that!" he snapped.

"But you're doing it all wrong!" Alek cried, still trying to gain control.

"You were the one suggesting I try to learn to pilot a walker!"

The walker shakily stood up, then rocked back and forth as though it was drunk.

Finally, the walker steadied itself, then slowly moved forward, gaining speed until the scenery outside began to blur.

"Good, now keep it steady." Alek edged closer to the escape hatch, just in case.

"Weee!" squealed Dylan, twiddling the controls.

"Oh no, oh no," Alek muttered to himself. "Er...now try to stop."

"Okay," Dylan happily obliged, and stomped on the brakes.

"Wha—no!" It was too late. The walker tumbled head over heels, bits and pieces flying off until it was reduced to a pile of scrap metal.

Dylan dug himself out of the rubble and smiled ruefully at his handiwork. "So, got another walker?"

Alek groaned.

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At a Chinese Restaurant

"Thank you, have a nice day." The waiter took the check and deposited two oddly shaped cookies and plastic wrappers on the table.

As the waiter walked away, Alek nudged Dylan and poked a cookie. "Er...what are these?"

"Fortune cookies," he explained. "You open them up, and read your fortune." Dylan broke his cookie, and extracted the slip of paper inside. "See, mine says, 'Patience is the key to success.' Typical" He stared at the paper, and then shook his head. "Anyways, on the other side, you can learn some Chinese. See, mine says 笨蛋, which means idiot. Hm...I could use that." He popped the cookie into his mouth.

"Okay, sounds interesting." Alek snapped his cookie, and read the paper. "Mine says, 'You are loved by many.' Interesting."

"Um...okay. And what's on the other side?"

"On the other side...女朋友, which means girlfriend."

"What?" Dylan sputtered, choking on his cookie.

"Dylan! Are you okay?" Alek asked, thumping him on the back.

"Y-yes," he choked. "Eat your cookie, and let's go."

"Okay," Alek said meekly, pondering over Dylan's strange reaction.

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**I was inspired to write the last scene after eating at a Chinese restaurant...aren't I creative? For all intents and purposes, let's just say the fortune cookie scene took place in America, present day. **

**Also, thanks to everyone who has reviewed so far, and special thanks to Frogster, who said, "I was wondering when someone would write Deryn maneuvering a Stormwalker! I think you should expand on that idea. :)" thus inspiring the walker spoof. **

**Keep on reviewing!**


	5. Streuselkuchen Out the Window

**Streuselkuchen: an old-fashioned German crumb cake**

**Inspiration!**

**No, I am NOT Scott Westerfeld...

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"Then he entered the cold castle, thinking it would be his home for the next ten years or so. But he didn't know—" Alek's narration was cut off as the sweet smell of pastries drifted through the air. He sniffed the air, following his nose to where Deryn was standing, pulling a tray out of the oven.

She smiled at him, and waved the tray in the air. "I found this recipe, and it looked tasty. It's called stru...steu..."

"Streuselkuchen?" Alek suggested.

"Aye...that." Deryn replied meekly.

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_[Deryn] smiled, though the thought of Volger sent a squick of nerves through her—he knew her secret. The man could still betray her to the officers, or Alek at any time. But...she could always toss him out a window if it came to that..._

"Please come to my stateroom, Alek, and bring your friend Dylan with you." The message lizard relayed the message to the two of them in Volger's crisp voice.

"I thought he was afraid of message lizards," Alek muttered, not noticing Deryn's shocked expression.

"Um...what do you think he wants?" she asked nervously.

"I don't know, but let's go."

"Uh..."

"Ah, there's nothing to be afraid of," Alek reassured her, and practically dragged her away.

"That's what you think," she muttered, but allowed Alek to bring her to Volger's room.

. . .

Volger was impatiently waiting for them, standing by his open window.

"What is it, Volger?"

"There's something about your friend here that you need to know. He—ack!" Volger shouted as Dylan nudged him out the window.

Alek ran to the window in horror as Volger's figure shrank to a pinpoint, until he grabbed a rope and was able to pull himself into the ship through a window. "Er...what was that for? And what was it that he wanted to say about you?"

"Eh...he probably wanted to criticize my fencing." Dylan shrugged.

"Um...will he be okay?"

"I think he can take care of himself." Dylan laughed and walked out of the room.

_Well, you can't say he doesn't have style_, Alek thought.

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**I've really got to stop starting my spoofs with dialogue...**


	6. iPod Shuffle Challenge

**iPod Shuffle Challenge**

**I decided to give it a shot, see what would happen.  
**

**By the way, I kinda cheated, I went back and edited a bit...sorry...**

**Disclaimer: If I was Scott Westerfeld, I'd already know what happened in **_**Goliath**_**, and I'd be rubbing it in your faces. Sadly, though, I'm not, so I don't, therefore I can't.

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1. It Ain't Necessarily So

"Wow, Scotland is amazing!" Alek looked around, taking in the sights, sounds, and smells.

"Yes, it's a beautiful place," Dylan sighed. "But wait until you meet my family..."

. . .

2. Carmen

"NO! I absolutely will not!"

"Please, Deryn, just once." Alek was smartly dressed in a suit, and held out a frilly white dress.

"Have you gone barking mad? I didn't fake my identity, get blown halfway across England, crash on a glacier in the middle of nowhere, and sabotage the Ottoman kraken nets to have you drag me to the opera in that...that thing!"

. . .

3. O Love That Wilt Not Let Me Go

_...O light that followest all my way  
I yield my flickering torch to thee..._

Deryn sat by the grave, silent tears dripping down her face. The graveyard was illuminated by a single flickering torch, resting by her side. "Oh Alek, I miss you so much."

"Deryn? What are you doing here?" Jaspert came around the corner, a concerned expression on his face.

"It's been a year, I can't just ignore it." She laid a small bundle of flowers on the ground, shakily stood up, and allowed Jaspert to lead her home.

. . .

4. Nothing's Quite So Precious

..._He never leaves me  
Even as the days grow weary..._

Deryn looked at Alek, the star-strewn sky reflected in his dark green eyes. Nothing compared to the way she felt around him, the way he took away all her worries.

Yet he could never know her secret. The closest they could ever be was friends. She shook her head, ashamed of her weakness, and walked away into the depths of the _Leviathan._

. . .

5. Stand Up! (Movie Version)

_...Sometimes it's hard to see,  
Just what's your destiny,  
But when you find the path that's true  
You'll know that's the one for you..._

"Da, what's that?"

"That's an airship." He smiled at the little girl clinging onto his hand. "People fly in them."

"Wow. One day, I wanna fly like you."

"Perhaps." He gazed sadly at his daughter, reflecting that she would never be able to join the Air Service.

"I'm gonna fly in an airship, even if I have to dress up as a boy." Deryn said determinedly, in such a fierce way that her father laughed.

"Maybe," he said, and smiled.

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**Numbers Three and Four are from my New York City Young People CD, and are hymns. Number five is a Pokémon theme, and Number One is instrumental, so there are no lyrics. However, they're all wonderful songs, you ought to go listen to them.  
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**By the way, does anyone know how to make a spoof for Tchaikovsky Piano Concerto No. 1?  
**

**Thank you for reading, and keep on reviewing!**


	7. Flying Lizards

**Thank you to everyone who has reviewed so far, and special thanks to FleaBird and Holly Marie Fowl, who are the only reviewers so far who have offered constructive criticism. Keep it up!**

**DISCLAIMER: Still not Scott Westerfeld

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Alek delicately plucked a message lizard from its cage, grasped its tail, and flung it across the room. It stuck to the wall, a fair distance away from another lizard in the same predicament.

Deryn laughed scornfully. "You can pilot a walker, but you can't throw a wee beastie?" She tossed her lizard, which landed neatly in a basket across the room.

"Perhaps." Alek's face was scrunched up with concentration as he leaned back and threw another lizard. It hit the wall and slid into the basket. "There, I got one!"

"Aye, but that's one beastie to my three." Deryn sent another lizard flying, just as the door opened and Newkirk walked in, saying "Dylan, the bosun says—ack!" The lizard smacked into Newkirk's face, shrieking random warnings. Newkirk shouted in surprise and toppled over.

"Ah, blisters," Deryn sighed.

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"_Before a fencer crosses swords, he has to learn this basic stance. But don't worry"—Alek smiled cruelly—"We won't be here more than an hour. It's only your first lesson, after all."_

Deryn gritted her teeth and glared at Alek, planning her revenge...

. . .

"Um, Dylan?" Alek was slowly rising higher and higher in the sky, trussed to a Huxley ascender. "Can I come down yet?" Alek glanced at the ground, then closed his eyes, wishing he hadn't.

"Not quite. I'm testing your air sense. But don't worry"—Dylan smiled cruelly—"We won't be here more than an hour. It's only your first lesson, after all."

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Deryn tied Tazza's leash to a pole and took a deep breath. Above her loomed a tall skyscraper, with the words "Google Inc." emblazoned on its side. She gritted her teeth and, with one last pet of Tazza's head, walked inside.

. . .

"Er…hello, sir. You wanted to see me?"

"Yes, Mr. Sharp. Please sit." The head of the company gestured to a chair in front of his desk, and Deryn nervously sat down. "It appears that your work has been rather… unsatisfactory recently. Can you please explain why?"

"Well, you see, sit, my brother Jaspert was ill, and I was taking care of him, so…" Her voice trailed off as the head glared at her.

"I see. However, your work performance has dropped too much. Now, go to work."

"Yes, sir." Just as Deryn stood up, the door burst open, and Tazza bounced in and proceeded to destroy most of the head's office. "Barking spiders! Tazza!"

"Mr. Sharp!"

"Y-yes?"

"What is the meaning of this? Is this your beast?"

"Well, technically it's a thylacine—" Her words were cut off as Tazza began running in circles, chasing her tail, and destroying several framed plaques and pictures in the process. Deryn grabbed it and shoved it outside the door.

She turned around to face the head, and sighed. "I'm fired, aren't I?"

"Yes."

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**This last idea was not originally mine, a skit performed by members of my drama class inspired it, and I altered it to fit the Leviathan series. Please review, and offer _constructive criticism!_**** Even small things, like spelling or grammar, can help me to improve my writing.**

**Also, I think I remember reading that Tazza's a boy, am I right?  
**


	8. Westerblog Art Reveal Part 1

**Goliath Picture Reveal**

**On Westerblog, Scott Westerfeld partially revealed three pictures from Goliath. One is from chapter one, and captioned "Two-Headed Messenger," another from chapter two labeled "Secrets in the Rookery," and the third from chapter three called "Hooking the Package." **

***UPDATE* Scott Westerfeld has uploaded the revealed picture, which was ****"Secrets in the Rookery." Go to Westerblog and check it out! It is an amazing piece of art. Go Keith Thompson!  
**

**DISCLAIMER: I wish I was Scott Westerfeld, so I'd know what the pictures were...

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Chapter 1: Two-Headed Messenger

Dr. Nora Darwin Barlow sat on her bed, idly tracing the embroidered design on her skirt. She thought back to the days when she had been a little girl, learning with her grandfather.

Everyone had seemed against her then, and even her closest friends ostracized her from their little cliques. Yet all she had done was to share her grandfather's ideas. Even now, some people still kept clear of her, as though she carried the plague.

Her thoughts were interrupted by a soft tapping on the window. A messenger tern was perched on the windowsill, a letter tied onto its outstretched leg. Dr. Barlow reached out and unfolded the message.

_Dear Nora,_

_I'm waiting._

Beneath the words, there was no signature, but a crest bearing a two-headed mechanical eagle.

She smiled. Perhaps she wasn't completely alone.

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Chapter 2: Secrets in the Rookery

Alek strolled down the passageway, watching the strafing hawks and messenger terns in their slumber. Bovril scuttled along the rail by his side, chattering to itself.

His life had really changed in the past months. First, on the run through Austria and Switzerland, then launching a revolution in Const—_Istanbul, _he corrected himself.

Anyways, a lot had happened.

As he continued strolling, he contemplated his victory in Istanbul—_ha, got it right!—_and his decisions. He frowned. Had he made the right choices? Bringing down a fellow nobleman? Spilling his secrets to a reporter? As that memory resurfaced, another fought its way through.

"_I need to rejoin Alek and talk him out of this madness. And that means escaping from this ship. Hoffman and I will need your help with that."_

"_Have you gone barking mad as well? I'm not a traitor...not that much of one, at least."_

"_Perhaps, but if you don't, I shall be forced to reveal your little secret."_

"_I don't know...what you're talking about."_

His frown grew deeper as he recalled the note of fear in Dylan's voice as he spoke with Volger.

What was that boy hiding?

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Chapter 3: Hooking the Package

Deryn peeked over the edge of the Leviathan at the ground, far, far away. She sighed. After that mess with the anarchists, she thought she was done with keelhaul drops and barking espionage.

But, apparently not. The lady boffin always had something that needed doing, and she, Deryn Sharp, decorated soldier in the Royal Air Service, was always her first choice.

"There's our target." The man beside her pointed at a small dot in the distance. As the _Leviathan_ drew closer, the dot revealed itself as a slowly plodding fabricated bear. A single figure sat on top of it, holding the reins. "You're to go down, retrieve the package he has, and we'll bring you back up. Sound simple enough?"

"Sure," she replied, not completely convinced.

After all, look what had happened last time...

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**As always, please review!**

**By the way, who do you think would win in a fight, Deryn or Alek?  
**

**P.S.: I'm for TEAM VARLOW!**


	9. Westerblog Art Reveal Part 2

**Updated Westerblog Art Reveal**

**So, after a couple of excruciating days, Scott Westerfeld has finally revealed the "uncensored image" from Chapter 2, entitled "Secrets in the Rookery." Go Keith Thompson! WOOOO!**

**This fanfic may be 100% wrong, but we won't know till **_**Goliath...**_

**DISCLAIMER: If I was Scott Westerfeld, I wouldn't be speculating about the picture**

**I wish I was, though...

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Secrets in the Rookery

_One Month Ago..._

_Eddie Malone looked around quickly, looking around in case someone should see what he was doing. He placed his recorder on a crate and fiddled around with a sheet, making sure it was hidden. After looking around one last time, he silently crept out of the rookery. Hopefully, no one would find it..._

Present Day...

"So, what's this one do?" Alek gestured at the large bird sitting on Dylan's arm.

"Well, I'm not quite sure, actually. The lady boffin just told me to bring it here—ack!" Another head popped out and looked around curiously. "It...it has..._two heads?" _ Dylan stared incredulously at the bird.

. . .

Far away, Eddie Malone smiled. Finally, after weeks of screeches and twittering, he had some interesting information. He gripped his headphones tighter, listening for more.

. . .

"Off you go then, beastie." Dylan released the bird into the depths of the rookery. "Well, now that we're alone..." He looked around carefully before continuing. "There's something I need to tell you. I—wait, what's that?" He pointed at a small black box hanging off a crate.

Alek inspected it. "It looks like some sort of recording device."

Dylan swore. "That barking reporter..."

. . .

Back in his office, Eddie Malone also swore. "That prince..."

. . .

After much smashing, stomping, and mauling of Eddie Malone's device, Dylan turned to Alek. "As I was saying, I have to tell you something. I haven't been entirely truthful with you..."

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**What do you think this picture is describing? Review, please!**

**Sorry for the short chapter, but Scott Westerfeld only revealed one pic T.T  
**


	10. Newkirk's Day

**Newkirk's Day**

**Of all the characters in the **_**Leviathan**_** series, Newkirk is my favorite by far. So, I've written a series of spoofs entirely about him.  
**

**DISCLAIMER: Is this really necessary? After nine chapters? Fine, I don't own this, blah blah blah...

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**Part 1: German Restaurant**

Newkirk hopped off the omnibus walker and beelined to a large restaurant with the words "Landhaus Flottbek" written in bold white letters on the front. He sat down and snatched a menu, looking for something tasty, and sighed. The entire menu was written in German.

A waiter walked over to him, saying "_Guten tag_, sir."

"Er...hello. Can I have...blisters, how do you say mushroom soup in Clanker-talk?" The waiter looked as befuddled as he felt. Newkirk snatched a napkin and quickly drew a mushroom, wishing, not for the first time, that he had Dylan's skill at drawing. "There!" he proclaimed.

The waiter inspected his crude drawing and left, presumably to get his soup. Newkirk leaned back in his chair, satisfied.

The waiter soon returned bearing...something that definitely wasn't a bowl of soup, and placed it on the table. "Barking spiders..." Newkirk didn't know whether to laugh or cry.

Sitting on the table was an umbrella.

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**Part 2: Feeding the Bats**

It was a clear, crisp moonlit night. Newkirk nervously strolled down the passage way, periodically glancing at the fléchette bats. He lifted his glowworm lamp higher, hoping to drive away any spooks lurking in the shadows.

Hoping to lighten the mood, Newkirk attempted to whistle a jaunty tune, but his mouth was too dry to say anything but _pfff. _The fléchette bats stirred, their eyes gleaming in the darkness. Newkirk shuddered, quickening his pace.

Suddenly, a bat detached itself from its roost, attracted by Newkirk's lamp. It swooped into Newkirk's face, its fangs bared, and...

"Newkirk? Newkirk! Wake up, you lazy bum-rag!" Dylan was banging on his door.

"Uh...bats..."

"Aye, you're on bat duty tonight. Now get going, before Mr. Rigby toasts your bum."

"..."

* * *

**Part 3: Hiccups**

"Hic."

"Hic."

"Hic."

"Hic."

"Newkirk, are you okay?" Dylan and Alek came around the corner, looking concerned.

"Hic—I've got—hic—the barking—hic—hiccups! Do you—hic—think I'm—hic—okay?"

Dylan and Alek glanced at each other, cracking identical evil grins.

"You have the hiccups?" Alek asked, with a touch of dangerous sweetness in his voice.

"Why, I think we can help you with that." Dylan followed, with an equally malevolent smirk.

"Ah, blisters."

. . .

"So," Dylan explained, "the first way we're going to try to get rid of your 'barking hiccups,' is by scaring them away."

"Scaring?" Newkirk gulped nervously.

"Aye, so tell me. What are you most afraid of?"

"Um...those—hic—barking bats, I think. What are—hic—you going to—ack!" Dylan tossed a shrieking bat into his face. "Get it off! Help! AIEEE!"

"Aye aye, sir." Dylan saluted, and peeled the bat off Newkirk's face.

"Hic."

"Blisters."

. . .

"Ack—glub—help! What are you—hic—doing, you bum-rag?"

"Trying to get rid of your hiccups!" Alek yelled from his perch atop the _Leviathan, _watching Newkirk flailing in the waves. "I heard that water was supposed to help!"

. . .

"So, how are you feeling?"

"Terrible." Newkirk glared at the two of them, who weren't even trying to stifle their laughter.

"But your hiccups are gone, right?"

"Hic."

* * *

**Yay, Newkirk! **

**Random Question: Zombies or Unicorns?  
**


	11. Zombies vs Unicorns

**ZOMBIES VS. UNICORNS**

**Why not, right? It's a good book, with multiple authors (including Scott Westerfeld) contributing, although it contains some, okay, a lot of mature content, so be warned. HINT: Read Holly Black and Justine Larbalestier's notes beforehand, just in case.**

**Oh, and that last umbrella spoof? It's actually not mine; I adapted it from my Chinese homework.**

**TEAM UNICORNS! Now that that's out of the way...story time!**

**DISCLAIMER: Again, why would I be Scott Westerfeld after all this time?**

**

* * *

**

"Zombies." Deryn stood in front of him with her hands on her hips, daring him to contradict her.

"Unicorns." Alek shot back with equal tart, glaring furiously at her.

"Zombies."

"Unicorns."

"Zombies."

"Unicorns."

"ZOMBIES!"

"UNICORNS!"

"Zombies are better than sparkly magical ponies."

"Unicorns are better than shuffling, brain-eating corpses."

"Zombies."

"Unicorns."

"No."

"Yes."

"Ah, I see. Only a barking _prince_—"

"_Archduke!"_

"—would have plenty of unicorns hanging around his barking _castle._"

"Well, only a _commoner_ would support the undead."

Silence.

"Oh, you did _not_ just go there."

"Why, I think I did."

As the bickering continued, the book sat innocently between them, its blue edges peeking out from underneath the thick black layer. The book. Sparked from centuries of debate, and leading to many more. The book. Pitting author against author, team against team. The book.

ZOMBIES VS. UNICORNS

* * *

**Which side are you on? **

**Sorry it's short, but there's not much more spoofiness I could add to this.**

**EEEEEEEEEEEEEEE! Scott Westerfeld put up the _Goliath _cover on Westerblog! As I type this, I'm having a happy spaz, and making a sound similar to that of either a steaming kettle or the Clazmonian Sow in _The Last Olympian. _EEEEEEEEEE!**

**Review, please!**

**And now for our Random Question: Who would win in a sword fight, Alek or Percy Jackson?  
**


	12. The Half Blood Prince

**Has anyone else been having the problem of thinking (and possibly talking) like Deryn? As in, like calling unlikeable people bum-rags instead of nincompoops? I swear, if I say "Barking spiders!" out loud, I will slap myself.**

**DISCLAIMER: If I was Scott Westerfeld, I would make **_**Goliath**_** come out now, so I wouldn't have to wait until September. WAAAA! :'(

* * *

**

"Ow."

"Oi!"

"Ack."

"AIEEE!"

"MOMMY!"

Deryn calmly sat cross-legged in a chair, reading for the hundredth time _The Manual of Aeronautics_ and listening to the various sounds of pain Alek was making in the next room. She set her book down, smirking slightly. "Don't forget," she yelled through the wall, "it was you who suggested trying out barking acupuncture!"

* * *

"Barking princes," Deryn muttered, and threw a knife at a sketch tacked on the wall. In it, Alek stood proudly atop the Leviathan, his hair and clothes rippling slightly in the wind. The knife flew through the air and went straight into his graphite face.

Next to it was a map of the world, with multiple faded black-and-white photos pinned onto it. Over Japan, two boys stood arm in arm, laughing at the camera. That was before Alek knew her secret, before everything went pear-shaped, before he broke her heart.

On top of London was a photo of Alek coming off the _Leviathan_ with his men before a cheering crowd. There was a sad glint in his eye, proof that nothing was quite the same anymore between the two of them.

To the west was a photo entitled "The Half-Blood Prince Returns," showing Alek upon his return to Austria-Hungary. The Emperor himself was there to greet him, although there was a malevolent glint in his eye.

The entire wall was covered with sketches, newspaper clippings, and photographs. Here and there, the Hapsburg crest appeared, the mechanical eagle in tatters.

"Barking royalty," she grumbled as she threw another knife. This one found its way to a newspaper clipping entitled "Archduke Aleksandar becomes Emperor." Beneath the headline was a picture of the man itself. The knife embedded itself in the center of the photo, the clipping already in tatters from previous knives.

Deryn selected a knife and flicked her wrist, sending it into a close-up sketch of Alek's face. There was a ragged tear down the center that split his handsome features in half.

There was a loud thump. Deryn turned around and spotted a newspaper lying on the ground. She snatched it up, her eyes widening as she read the title "Austria-Hungary and Russia join by Royal Marriage." A photo showed the happy couple at their ceremony.

Deryn blankly stared at the article, and then burst into tears. Her heart was breaking again. If only there was some way she could make Alek understand even a fraction of the pain she'd gone through these past five years...

* * *

**You can take this last spoof in many ways, but I like to imagine it as a prelude to the first spoof in chapter 2. ****For you Percy Jackson fans, see if you can find **_**The Last Olympian**_** hints. Virtual hugs if you find them!  
**

**Answer: Duh, Alek. Percy would be too busy laughing over Alek's ridiculous stance. As Deryn says in **_**Behemoth**_**, "Even with his sword pointed straight at her, he looked barking silly."**

**Question: Who would win in a battle of brains, Dr. Barlow or Artemis Fowl?

* * *

**

**And now...bonus spoof!**

"Why are you taller than me?" Alek asked, slumped in depression. "It makes me feel..."

"Like I'm better than you?" Dylan smirked, looking down upon the small figure sitting on the floor. "Or possibly even _superior _to you?" He stuck his tongue out.

"You wish..." Alek grumbled.


	13. Apologies

**I'm sorry I haven't updated recently. This week was really busy because I had a concert and whatnot... But, it's done now, so I'll give you a spoof! **

**Also, I've been reading **_**The Hunger Games**_** again, so my mind is still thinking in first person, present tense, so apologies in advance if I made any mistakes.**

**So, this is the scene in **_**Behemoth**_** when Deryn finds Alek and Lilit, but from Lilit's POV**

**DISCLAIMER: Characters, dialogue, and whatnot aren't mine, but Scott Westerfeld's.

* * *

**

"Why don't we discuss it back in my room?" the prince suggested. Lilit could tell he still didn't trust her.

"Certainly," she replied as the two of them entered the grand hotel. "What are your plans?"

"_My _plans? Your father is in charge, not me." The elevator doors opened, and they stepped in.

"Yes, but you _did_ express how necessary you are to the revolution, did you not?" Out of the corner of her eyes, Lilit noticed a sandy-haired boy holding a newspaper enter the elevator. She lowered her voice. "After all, your aristocracy will—"

"Enough of that, I—"

"Nice weather we're having," the boy said in English. He had an odd voice, and a presumably Scottish accent. The prince looked shocked. Did he know this boy? She took a closer look at him. He _was_ rather good-looking.

"Dylan, in case you've forgotten."

"God's wounds! It _is_ you! But what are you—"

"It's a long story." He glanced at Lilit. "And it's secret, actually."

"Ah, of course—introductions are in order..."

The two began conversing rapidly. As they reached Alek's floor, the boy gave her a hard look.

Who _was_ he, anyways?

* * *

**Sorry it's short, as I said, I haven't had much time. (I'm making up for it by writing an extra-long author's notes...)**

**And to answer the last question about **_**The Last Olympian, **_**there were two spots.**

**1. When Deryn was throwing knives at Alek's picture alluded to when Rachel was throwing darts at Percy's picture.**

**2. The pictures of Alek and the Hapsburg Crest were hinting at May Castellan's house, where she had pictures of Hermes and his caduceus pasted all over her kitchen walls. **

**Are they too vague?  
**

**Answer: Um...a teenage criminal mastermind who kidnapped a fairy and cheated the fairy people out of a lot of gold vs. the granddaughter of Charles Darwin who fabricated a giant flying whale and acid-spitting barnacles, to name a few... I really don't know...**

**Question: How do you properly pronounce **_**Dummkopf? **__**  
**_

_**

* * *

**_**Anyone like the idea of a _Leviathan _****play on _T_**_**he Wizard of Oz?**_

Deryn stood up, blinking the of her eyes. _Wait, sun? _Last she remembered, there had been a twister_. _She looked around, and Tazza snuffled her hand. Nearby, she saw a cluster of small blue cottages. Next to her, a small crystalline stream trickled merrily.

"Tazza," Deryn said, turning to the thylacine. "I don't think we're in Kansas anymore..."_  
_


	14. The Sound of Music

**Now that this annoyingly busy week is over, I may be updating a bit more frequently.**

**...Never mind, I have standardized testing this week T.T**

**DISCLAIMER: I am not Scott Westerfeld or the owner of the quotes below...**

* * *

"What's for lunch?" Dylan sat next to Alek, peering into his plate.

"I have no idea," Alek replied, poking his food with his fork. "It seems like—why are you looking at me like that?"

"Er...there's something on your face." He gestured vaguely at Alek's face. "It's really...big."

"There is? I'll be in the bathroom." He ran off.

Dylan smirked. "You are so gullible, Alek..."

. . .

"Alek! Alek!" Dylan dropped into the engine pod.

"What is it?" he asked, looking at the boy's flushed face.

"Outside, there's a dreadnought coming, and I think there's a Tesla cannon on it!"

"WHAT?" He ran over to the edge and peered over the side. "I...I don't see anything..."

"Dummkopf." Dylan smiled and walked away.

. . .

"What now?" Alek moaned as Dylan dragged him into his cabin.

"There's something I need to tell you." He had a oddly determined look on his face. Dylan closed the door, and then turned to Alek. "The truth is, I'm a girl who dressed up as a boy in order to join the Air Service."

"I-you-wha-what?" Alek stuttered. "But...but...why didn't you...how did—wait a second." Alek paused, noticing a familiar smirk on the boy's face. "No, no. I'm not falling for that again. Good job, though, that's your best one yet."

Silence.

"You were kidding, right?"

"Perhaps." And with that, Dylan walked out, leaving Alek more confused than ever.

* * *

Deryn tossed another handful of figs at the fléchette bats clustering around her. She turned to Newkirk who was shuddering in the metaphorical corner. "Help me out, you bum-rag, there's nothing to be afraid of!"

Newkirk mumbled something incoherent in reply.

Deryn rolled her eyes and continued feeding the bats.

Suddenly, a truly horrible sound came forth from the bowels of the _Leviathan. _Newkirk squeaked in terror, and then collapsed. The bats shrieked, the dogs howled, and soon the entire ship was engulfed in a discordant harmony.

Deryn dropped her feed bag and ran to the side of the ship. She climbed down the ratlines and pulled herself into the gondola, swiveling her head. There! The sound was coming from the front of the gondola, where Alek's cabin was. _Alek..._Deryn realized with a sinking feeling. What could be happening?

She ran to his room and pounded on his door. "Alek? What's going on in there? Alek!" There was no reply, but the screeching continued to emit from inside. Deryn gritted her teeth and prepared to enter, no matter what state Alek was in. It had to be bad if he was incapable of speech. She barged in to find Alek...playing the violin?

"Dylan? Er...what's the problem?" Alek asked in a thicker accent that usual.

"Are you okay? It sounded like you were in pain."

"I was merely embracing my Austrian heritage." He spread his arms wide. "What you heard was the sound of music."

"'Embracing my Austrian heritage'?" Deryn scoffed, having overcome her initial shock. "That screeching could melt Strauss into a quivering blob of shame." And with that, she smiled and walked out.

* * *

**I was considering using Newkirk for the first one, but I've tortured him enough already...**

**I'll take requests/prompts, but be warned; I may not be able to translate them into spoofs.**

**Answer: As Fox Scarlen phrased it, "It's like saying the word 'doom' plus the word 'cough'...but with a slight, very slight, 'p' sound, almost silent, really but still there a little. Doom-cough, Doom-cop, Doomcopff, Dummkopf." **

**Question: Name that quote! "I love [if I give you the name, I'll give away the quote], she's a great kid, but that motormouth of hers could have turned Mother Teresa into an axe murderer."**


	15. Algebra and Other Fluff

**It's snowing...again.**

**Both of these take place during **_**Behemoth, **_**when Deryn and Alek are in Constantinople. The first one is pre-hotel/letter scene, but post-Deryn's big idea. The second one...any time after Alek escaped.**

**DISCLAIMER: I wanna read Goliath...

* * *

**

"I came here to help a revolution, not learn math!"

"Perhaps, but if you're going to stay in the Istanbul, which was once the height of math and science, you're going to learn." Lilit sighed and picked up her pencil. "So you see, if _x_ equals 5, then _y _will be..."

Deryn groaned and attempted to decipher the mishmash of numbers and letters. "Um...er...is it...3?"

"No, you ninny, it's twelve. Let's try this one. If _x_ plus _y_ is 3, then..."

"What are you two doing?" Alek asked as he walked in. "Ah, algebra."

"I believe it's called _al-jabr_. Anyways, put your aristocracy to use and help your friend out."

"Hm...it's really quite simple, actually." He scribbled quickly on the paper, and handed it back to Deryn.

"So, you can do something other than fund a revolution, m?" Lilit gazed thoughtfully at him. As the two continued to chatter, Deryn began to wonder. What exactly was going on between the two of them?

* * *

Dr. Barlow briskly walked down the hallway and knocked on the door of Count Volger's stateroom.

"Enter," he called out. She opened the door to find him sitting by the window. "Ah, Dr. Barlow. To what do I owe the pleasure?"

"I've merely come for a visit. Are you being treated well?"

"Quite well indeed. Recently, I've been thinking about Alek." He shook his head. "I often wonder if my actions have had any influence on him at all. For goodness' sake, he's allied himself with anarchists!"

"I believe the proper term is revolutionaries." Dr. Barlow replied. "Anyways, do not fear. I believe Mr. Sharp will come through."

"Ah, yes, Mr. Sharp." Was she imagining it, or was there a sarcastic lilt to his voice?

"Do not underestimate him, Count," she retorted. "Although he's young, he certainly is capable of many things, and is an accomplished airman."

"It's not his youth I'm concerned about, more of his...reliability. While he was present on this airship, had you noticed anything odd about him?"

"About Mr. Sharp? Occasionally, but nothing much. Why?"

"Oh, nothing. When he returns, though, keep a close eye on him. You might notice the signs. Frankly, I'm surprised you haven't found out already. Good day to you." He bowed, and gestured for her to leave.

"I—yes, certainly." Dr. Barlow nodded and left, her mind racing. _Oh, I have noticed the clues, Count. Not about Dylan, though, but about you.

* * *

_

**Who doesn't love a bit of shipping, right? Other than Annie/Finnick from _Hunger Games, _Varlow is my OTP.  
**

**Go read the book **_**Cloaked in Red **_**by Vivian Vande Velde (I want those initials), it's hilarious! It's a series of short stories based on Little Red Riding Hood, and I couldn't stop laughing. If you haven't read it, well, what are you waiting for? GO!**

**Answer: Maximum Ride: The Angel Experiment**

**Question: You all asked for a harder quote, so here ya go! "The school even had a Latin motto, **_**Pergo et Perago, **_**which sounded like the story of two Italian cannibals but actually meant 'I try and I achieve.'"**


	16. Common Touch

**Do I use "..." too much? So far, I've used it 74 times...wow. (Make that 75.) **

**On Friday, there's going to be another **_**Goliath**_** Art reveal, should I do a spoof for it?**

**DISCLAIMER: "Characters owned by His Supreme Awesomeness Scott Westerfeld. " – Gaeliss Felin on Deviant Art. (I don't own that quote, either.)

* * *

**

Alek carefully lifted the heavy gear and—"Blisters!" He dropped it on his toe.

"Pardon me?" Klopp turned to face him, a confused expression on his face.

"Hm? Oh...did I really just say that?" Alek asked, horrified. "Ach, I'm turning into a Dylan."

. . .

"_Tierce, tierce! _No, your form's wrong. "_Pointe, quarte." _Volger sighed and poked Alek with the tip of his sword.

"Barking spiders, Volger, that hurt!" Alek rubbed his side.

"...Excuse me?"

"What? Oh no, I did it again, didn't I?"

. . .

"What are you drawing?" Alek peered over Dylan's shoulder.

"Just some random doodles; I haven't had a squick of inspiration in days." His pencil squiggled aimlessly on the paper.

"Really? It looks b—quite good." Alek barely managed to catch himself. "Erm...yeah. Anyways, why not draw Bovril or some other fabricated beast?" Alek suggested.

"Eh, I've tried, it's too barking hard to draw." He shrugged and flipped back in his sketchbook. "Hey, this is your Stormwalker! That brings back memories." Dylan gazed dreamily into the distance

"Mhm. Can I see?" He took the pad and flipped through the pages. "These are really quite good, and—blisters!" Alek cried, waving his cut finger.

"What did you just say?"

"Uh...nothing?"

"Aw...I'm rubbing off on you."

* * *

(Play format—do you mind?)

Alek: Dylan, look at this. *holds out newspaper*

Deryn: Hm? "Women allowed to join army." Barking spiders...

Alek (indignantly): I know, I can't believe it either! Isn't it horrible?

Deryn: Horrible? Are you daft? It's pure dead brilliant! This is the greatest day of my life!

Alek (confused) : What...?

Deryn (spazzy): I'm a barking girl, you ninny! *brandishes newspaper* IN YOUR FACE! *runs out*

Bovril (I-told-you-so sorta tone): _Mr. _Sharp. *giggles*

Alek: ...

* * *

**I was really bored in math, the result? This last spoof! I couldn't be bothered to add text and whatnot around it, so I decided "what the hey," and put it like so.**

**Answer: Alex Rider, from **_**Crocodile Tears, **_**by Anthony Horowitz. Sigh...next book comes out in...*checks calendar* 3 days. Meh, it's sooner than **_**Goliath.**_

**Question: Tazza or Total? Also, would Newkirk be jealous of Dylan and Alek's friendship? I mean, Newkirk and Dylan were great friends, then Alek comes along and BAM! Newkirk's in the shadows.  
**


	17. Crashing a Bash

**Oh. My. Goodness. I saw the **_**Goliath **_**picture and...O.o *blinks* Alek's expression is priceless. I won't reveal more, go see it yourself, you will not stop laughing. Keith Thompson, you never fail to surprise me. THANK YOU! Since I've been reading the theories and comments swirling around westerblog, I have been frantically editing this spoof.  
**

**BTW, the chapter title is the actual title of the picture. I ran out of originality a long time ago...**

**DISCLAIMER: I really, **_**really**_** wish I was Scott Westerfeld, so I'd know what the picture was.**

* * *

"Maria von Trommler, do you take Dylan Sharp to be your lawful wedded husband?"

"I do." The girl smiled sweetly at Dylan. His mouth twitched nervously, his face slightly pale.

"Dylan Sharp, do you take Maria von Trommler to be your lawful wedded wife?"

"I...er...I—" Suddenly, there was a huge crash as the wall behind the couple exploded. Dylan sighed. "Let me guess," he muttered without turning around. "Alek just crashed into the church in a barking walker. Oh, and he's got his sword thingy."

The smoke cleared, revealing an armored walker. The top popped open and Alek burst out, bearing a gun and, typically, a fencing saber.

"Am I too late?" He looked around at the shocked faces of the wedding guests, and the bride and groom, and the rings not yet on their fingers. "Okay, I'm not. Dylan, I'm sorry, but I can't let you do this." The girl looked angry; however, Dylan seemed slightly...relieved? Alek pointed at the girl. "She's part of a plot by the Germans to assassinate you!"

The girl hissed in anger, and drew a knife from within her bouquet. Alek jumped down and lifted his sword. The two seemed prepared to fight to the death.

. . .

"And this _Dummkopf _is heir to the throne?" Volger muttered, burying his face in his hands.

"There, there." Dr. Barlow patted his arm sympathetically, smirking slightly. "Alek doesn't realize it's just a play. But," she remarked, looking at the wreckage, "He certainly has made quite an entrance."

* * *

*UPDATE* Oh...it was a joke... Anyways, there's a new picture up, and it features BOVRIL! So, I shall create another spoof! (Inspired by the comments on westerblog)

"Count, have you seen my loris?" Dr. Barlow peeked into Volger's stateroom.

"Why would that godless creature be in here?"

"It seems to have taken a liking to you." She walked in, searching the room for any hint of the beast.

Volger looked horrified. "I would hope not— gah, it is here after all!" The loris crawled out of the shadows onto Volger's shoulders, where it proceeded to smile angelically at him.

Dr. Barlow stifled a laugh. "Excuse me, count, but what is that on its face? Now...it looks a tad like you."

The count plucked it off his shoulder and deposited it on the ground. "I do _not_ look like that." he protested, nudging the loris away with the tip of his shoe.

The loris grinned and stroked its face. "Mustache," it said, and giggled.

* * *

**Gah, did I seriously write husband where I should have written wife? *facepalm* Wow...I'm an idiot.  
**

**Answer: I'd say talking Scottie beats extinct thylacine, but it's up to you.**

**Question: Where do you write your stories when inspiration hits you?  
**

**Click the button. You know you want to...**


	18. Pondering in a Tattoo Parlor

**After pondering the picture a little more, I came up with another idea. Yay! (Anyways, Scott Westerfeld has revealed that the girl in the picture actually **_**is **_**Lilit.)**

**DISCLAIMER: I am female, adolescent, and Asian, and I believe Mr. Westerfeld is the opposite of those.**

* * *

"Lilit, I thought you...wait, what in blazes are you—Alek! Alek!"

Hearing Dylan's panicked cries, Alek burst into the room. Lilit was advancing on the boy, who had a terrified expression on his face. Suddenly, Lilit drew a knife from within her bouquet and plunged it into Dylan's chest. He yelled, stumbled backwards into Alek and collapsed, his shirt stained red.

"Dylan!" Alek cried, supporting the boy. "Are you okay?"

He turned and glared at him. "I have...a barking knife_..._in my chest..." he said through gritted teeth. "Do you..._think_ I'm okay?" Dylan took a deep, shuddering breath. "Alek...I..." His eyes grew glassy, and his body was limp in Alek's arms.

And Alek knew, without a doubt, that his best friend was gone, forever.

He gently set Dylan's body on the ground and turned to face Lilit, a furious expression on his face. A single tear rolled down his face as he shouted, "Do you realize what you've done?"

"Yes I've killed my boyfriend." She shrugged. "But I had a good reason."

"What reason?"

"He was cheating on me." She pointed an accusing finger at him. "With you."

* * *

"It's not fair." Alek remarked one day.

"What's not fair?" Deryn replied, slightly perplexed.

"You're so much more...awesome than me."

She smirked. "Really? If so, it's not like I can help it."

"Perhaps, but I need to...raise my social status somehow."

Deryn looked out the window. "Well, we're about to land, so perhaps we can find somewhere to improve your appearance, at least."

. . .

"That's it!" Alek shouted, pointing to a small building.

"A tattoo parlor?"

"Yes!" He grabbed her arm and dragged her in. A bell tinkled softly as they entered. "Hello? Is anyone there?"

A heavily tattooed young woman stepped out of the shadows. "Hello, and welcome to Michelle's Tattoo Parlor. How may I help you?"

Alek grinned. "I want one right here." He drew a line across his front. "It should say 'Aleksandar' in big letters, with a crown on top."

Deryn rolled her eyes, and walked out. Not long later, the screams began.

* * *

**I'm probably not going to update for a while, thanks to school and whatnot.  
**

**Answer: I have a besparkled composition notebook/scrapbook in which I write my stories and paste in pictures. ****Then, I transfer them to my computer.**

**Question: Who's a more awesome heroine, Deryn or Annabeth Chase?**


	19. Identity Theft

**I'm sooooooo sorry I took this long to update! I'm probably going to update more sporadically now.**

**Oh, wow. I literally**_** just**_** realized that Dr. Barlow named her thylacine Tazza because it's a Tasmanian tiger. *headdesk* I really am an idiot, aren't I?**

**DISCLAIMER: I don't own anything.**

* * *

The hiss of pneumatics filled the air as the elaborate doors opened. The Kizlar Agha entered, along with Dr. Barlow and a uniformed boy. Two crewmen followed, carefully bearing a large box between them.

The man carefully peered through the slats at the incoming visitors and their cargo. His eyes lit up as he realized what it was. "Target confirmed," the man whispered into the phone.

He returned his gaze to the sultan, carefully watching his movements. As the sultan greeted them, the man's hands turned in the saunters, causing the automaton behind him to mimic the sultan's movements.

Dr. Barlow and the boy bowed, and the sultan began to converse with them. Keeping an eye on the sultan, the man strained to hear the conversation. Gradually, the sultan's voice grew with anger, allowing him to hear his voice, although not his words. The sultan gestured at the box, and the automaton mirrored his movement, coming to rest near the box.

The sultan's voice grew sharp again, and the man squeezed his hand within the saunters, crushing the box.

As the egg innards dripped onto the ground, the man carefully scanned the room. Hopefully, Dr. Barlow would think it had been the sultan's doing. However, the boy's eyes were flicking around the room. For a moment, their eyes locked. Then, the man turned away and left, pausing to whisper into the phone.

"Mission accomplished."

* * *

Deryn stared at the clouds lazily floating above the _Leviathan, _carefully searching the shadows and creases. If you looked carefully, her father had said, you could always find some sort of face.

She sighed. Even though no two clouds were the same, Deryn could only see one face: Alek's.

"Good morning, Dylan!"

"Speak of the devil," she muttered, and scrambled to her feet as Alek came into view, bearing two sabers. He tossed one to her, and she caught it easily.

She groaned. "Fencing? Now? I'm trying to relax."

"Yes, now." Alek raised his sword. "On guard." He inspected her pose, and prodded her until he deemed her posture acceptable. She jabbed at him, but he blocked it easily.

Inwardly, Deryn was fuming. She dropped her sword and lifted her arms in surrender. "Okay, you win."

"You're…you're letting me win?" Alek grabbed Deryn's shoulders and shook her roughly. "Who are you and what have you done with Dylan?"

_To be continued…?_

* * *

**To clarify the last spoof, it's the scene where the sultan's automaton crushes Dr. Barlow's egg.**

**Answer: Well, both Annabeth and Deryn have proved their awesomeness, but Annabeth's actually kissed Percy. Deryn hasn't kissed Alek(yet). (Did anyone else have a happy spaz over that scene?)**

**Question: Who's the more annoying reporter, Eddie Malone or Rita Skeeter? Alternative question: Rusty vs. Quick-Quotes-Quill.**

**Let's reach 100 reviews with this chapter! Please? *bats eyes*  
**


	20. Artemis and Ernst

**Le gasp! Deryn's father is named Artemis! And Volger's first name is Ernst! (Source: Westerforum 2011 Meetup #2)**

**DISCLAIMER: See, if I was Scott-sensei, I'd already have known that, and wouldn't be fangirling about it.**

* * *

_Knock, knock._

"Who is it?" Deryn yelled.

"It's Alek. Can I come in?"

"No."

"Yeah…I'm coming in anyways."

Deryn groaned and flopped onto her bed as Alek walked in. "What do you want?" she moaned.

"I need your help," Alek replied, closing the door behind him.

"Why should I help you? You betrayed me!" She stood up and jabbed her finger into his chest. "You told the captain who I am. You _kne_w the sky is my home. You _knew_ I love flying, the way you love this ship, the way I loved you!"

"Because it's mutual for the two of us. You said it yourself; you don't want to go back to your old life of tea parties and skirts. The captain has just informed me that when we're dropping you off in London, I'll be taken into custody. If we escape the ship together, we'll both be free."

"Oh, so because you have a problem, you're talking to me again. You barking prince, don't you realize that the world doesn't revolve around you?" She poked him again. "You won't get everything in life,your princliness. You're a bum-rag, a sexist pig, and a _Dummkopf_ if you think you're going to get my help with this."

Alek looked slightly taken aback, but recovered. "I am," he replied shamelessly.

Deryn nodded slowly. "Alright, here's the plan…"

* * *

"…To save ourselves, we may have to let the _Leviathan_ die."

The crewmen were shocked, and started murmuring amongst themselves.

"Barking spiders," Newkirk whispered.

"It won't come to that," Dylan whispered to Newkirk. "My mad boy's going to save us. I'm ready to go up."

"Don't you think it's a bit rude, taking off while the captain's talking?" Newkirk asked.

Dylan glanced back at the captain, and shrugged. "Quit your dawdling Mr. Newkirk."

Newkirk sighed, realizing it was useless to argue. "All right, your admiralship. Will you be wanting a message lizard?"

"Aye, I'll call one. But fetch me some semaphore flags."

Newkirk ran off to get the flags, wondering what was going on in Dylan's head. He returned as Dylan finished strapping himself in, a message lizard on his shoulder. Newkirk turned the winch and the Huxley rose higher and higher, until Newkirk could barely see Dylan's small figure beneath the ascender.

After a moment, he began to wave his flags frantically. Newkirk flashed a light in response, and a conversation began.

E-N-E-M-Y—A-P-P-R-O-A-C-H-I-N-G—D-U-E—E-A-S-T

W-H-A-T—M-A-N-N-E-R-?

W-A-L-K-E-R—T-W-O—L-E-G-S

Suddenly, the boy shouted out, "Alek, you _bum-rag!"_

The captain stopped his address to the crew and looked up, startled. A tiny dot started moving down the line: the message lizard on its way to the crew.

"Oi, Beastie! I think I'll light a match down here! I've gone insane and I'm keen to set myself on fire!" As he continued insulting the beast, Newkirk wondered what on earth Dylan was thinking. Had he gone completely insane?

"_Boo!"_ he cried as he stood up in the harness. Dylan's feet slipped off, but he didn't tumble to his death; instead, he started sliding down the line. As his descent sped up, he began to yell, whether out of fear or excitement, Newkirk couldn't tell. "Out of the way, lizarrrrrrd!" he shouted, and the message lizard hopped aside.

Newkirk watched with fear and admiration. A sliding escape! As he dropped from the rope, Newkirk ran to him, hoping to talk to him. But by the time he'd reached Dylan's landing point, the boy had already disappeared into the bowels of the _Leviathan._

Newkirk shook his head, capable of only one though. _Wow…_

* * *

**Was anyone else wondering what the crew must have been thinking during that scene? And it's all while the captain is addressing the crew...talk about rude interruptions.  
**

**Answer: Well, both are annoying, but I think Rita Skeeter's worse, because she twists the truth. Eddie Malone tells the truth (albeit the ugly truth). Besides, a talking frog is awesome!**

**Question: Lilit or Foxface, who's more...clever? sly? indescribable?**

**Yay, 100 reviews!  
**


	21. Lovesick

**Yay! New picture reveal!**

**Well, I kind of already wrote a spoof for this picture, so…meh. Maybe I'll come up with something.**

**DISCLAIMER: Characters, settings, and giant Russian fighting bears are not mine…**

* * *

"Hey, Dylan?"

"Yes?"

"I've been talking with Volger…about you."

"..About me?" Dylan repeated, slightly confused.

"Yes. He says that apparently you're…hiding something from me?" Alek chuckled slightly, hoping it wasn't true.

"…Hiding something?" Dylan's face was nonchalant, but his eyes betrayed his fear. So there _was_ something the boy wasn't telling Alek!

"Yes. He says…apparently…you're a…a girl?" Alek laughed at the absurdity of the statement, but stopped abruptly as all the color drained from Dylan's face. "Oh my goodness, it's true."

* * *

"Good morning Dylan. How are you?"

"Mmph…Istan—wha—what? Oh…fine." Dylan seemed to shake himself out of a haze of thoughts.

"What's wrong?" Alek experimentally waved a hand in front of Dylan's face.

"_Mr. _Sharp," Bovril cackled.

Dylan shoved Alek's hand away. "Stop that, you bum-rag. I'm fine!"

"I don't think so. You're acting like you're—ah, I see." Alek smiled and chuckled softly.

"You…see what?"

"You're…oh, how do you say it in English?" He searched for the right word. "It's kind of like you're sick with…ah! You're lovesick!" Alek grinned at the boy, who had gone beet red.

"I—what—n-no I'm not!" he protested, though his face was growing steadily redder.

"_Mr. _Sharp" Bovril giggled.

Alek grinned wider. "Oh, yes you are. You miss Lilit, don't you?"

Dylan sighed, defeated. "I…I guess so."

"HA!" Alek punched the air triumphantly. "I thought so. Ever since we got back from Consta—Istanbul, it's like half of you is here, and the other half is…hanging out with Lilit." Alek quickly banished the image from his mind, and smiled at Dylan.

"_Mr. _Sharp."

"Shush, beastie—stop—stop laughing!"

Alek grinned, and chuckled softly.

Young love could be a crazy thing.

* * *

**This idea has been bugging me for a while, so I HAD to get it out.**

**Answer: Yeah…I have no idea**

**Question: Does the **_**Leviathan**_** have a tail?**


	22. Under the Sea

**So…yeah…*awkward moment* What do you think of the new **_**Uglies**_** covers?**

**And yes, this chapter is extremely short, but I'm too lazy to come up with more stories.**

**DISCLAIMER: Still not mine…not even the inspiration this time. Request from purplerose34, ****"Alek doesn't know how to swim and Deryn (still Dylan is this) they're in Japan. Deryn teaches Alek to swim and he's totally scared!"**

* * *

The best way to learn to swim is if you're pushed in.

"Allow me," Newkirk proclaimed with an evil glint in his eyes. He stepped forward and roughly shoved Alek into the water.

Alek teetered backwards for an endless moment, until finally, gravity won and pulled him into the glittering water. He flailed wildly, sending great big plumes of water arcing around him. "Help! Help! I'm drowni—oh," he remarked, standing up in the knee-high water. He glared at the two middies that were bent over with laughter.

"Water does help, in fact!" Newkirk grinned.

"I—what? Oh…heh, heh…" Alek remembered a previous incident with water.

_"Ack—glub—help! What are you—hic—doing, you bum-rag?"_

_"Trying to get rid of your hiccups!" Alek yelled from his perch atop the __Leviathan, __watching Newkirk flailing in the waves. "I heard that water was supposed to help!"_

* * *

**Yeah…I realized ****I'd tortured Newkirk a tad too much in chapter 10, so I decided he deserved a bit of revenge. Sorry purplerose34 if this doesn't quite fit the criteria.  
**

**Answer: Well, in the two page illustration in **_**Behemoth**_** with the naval battle, the **_**Leviathan**_** is up in the corner, and there isn't really a tail, just a tapered point. Meh…a tail would be nice.**

**Question: Clankinist or Darwanker? For that matter…Darwinist or Clanker?**

**By the way, would you all mind if when reviewing, you mention your opinion on the story, not just answer the question? Thanks!**


	23. Girls Just Wanna Have Fun

**Yes, this is crackfic. Deal with it.**

**DISCLAIMER: If I don't do this, will I get sued? As I'm paranoid about this sorta thing…characters and attitudes not mine. **

* * *

"DYLAN!"

Alek turned and saw a figure hurtling towards them. Dylan gaped, dumbfounded. "Wha—Lilit? What are you—ack!" he yelled as the anarchist took a running leap and landed on top of the midshipman. He toppled over and landed flat on his back, Lilit smothering his face with kisses.

"Wha—mph—get off—mph—I—get off—mph—help!"

Alek chuckled softly as Dylan attempted to free himself from Lilit's clutches. Apparently, in their time apart, Dylan hadn't softened towards her.

"Dylan, I've missed you so so so soooo much!" Lilit exclaimed, pecking his face with each "so."

"Mph—I—get—mph—barking—sto—mph—stop—get—get off!" Dylan prized her off and sat up, breathing hard. "Blisters, you nearly gave me a heart attack—stop!" he yelled as Lilit leaned forward.

"Why?"

"Because…just…oh, for crying out loud." He rolled his eyes and threw his hands up in exasperation. "I'm a barking girl! I thought you knew."

"_I_ did. But _that _ninny," she replied, jerking a thumb at Alek, whose chuckling had stopped abruptly, "did not." She smiled.

"Wha—Dylan—wha—_what?"_ Alek spluttered, looking frazzled.

Lilit didn't respond. Instead, she stood up, brushing the dust off her clothes, and walked away, leaving the prince and the middy to sort the mess out by themselves.

* * *

**Think back to chapter 20, in the spoof with Newkirk…**

_Newkirk smiled and shook his head in admiration._

. . .

"Here, lad." Mr. Roland thrust an aerial bomb into Newkirk's arms, causing him to stagger. "Take this up in an ascender, and see what you can do with it."

"Aye aye, sir," Newkirk replied, fumbling with the bomb as he attempted to salute. He raised his right arm, and the bomb rolled out of his left. Fortunately, it rolled into the powdery snow, averting a possible crisis.

Mr. Roland sighed. "And try not to blow yourself up in the process."

Newkirk hurried up to the dorsal ridge, or tried to, as his deadly cargo was rather heavy. Finally, he reached the Huxley and strapped himself in. He gripped the bomb tighter, praying that he wouldn't drop it.

Of course, things didn't look too good, as they'd crash-landed on this iceberg—_glacier, _he corrected himself.

Suddenly, Newkirk spotted two figures leap out of the gondola and run towards the approaching walker. He squinted, trying to make out who it was. It was Dylan and another boy, most likely the prisoner. But what were they doing?

Newkirk's eyes widened as Dylan drew to a halt and held a knife against the other boy's throat. Holding him hostage? Pure brilliance.

Amazing, really, what that girl was capable of.

* * *

**Yeah, so apparently Newkirk is more perceptive than he seems, right? You've just gotta love Newkirk.**

**As for the first one, well, one day I was sitting, pondering **_**Leviathan**_**, and I thought: "Hey! What if Lilit somehow makes Deryn's secret known to Alek?" And that scene popped into my head, and thus this chapter was born. **

"_**Dylan, I've missed you so so so soooo much!" Lilit exclaimed pecking his face with each "so."**_ **Yeah, that's adapted from a scene in Tui T. Sutherland's _Kingdom of Twilight_, book 3 of the Avatars Trilogy. If you haven't read it, well, read it. Even Scott Westerfeld's reviewed it!**

**Answer: Darwanker, in my opinion. As for Darwinists vs. Clankers, well, the Clankers are less co-friendly, but how would the Darwinists take part in the great space race? **

**Question: Newkirk or Neville Longbottom? Which underdog is more unappreciated?  
**


	24. Preposterous

**I just realized I have a lot of other characters and names that aren't mine or Scott Westerfeld's, and I haven't credited them. So… **

**DISCLAIMER: I'm not Scott Westerfed (Leviathan/Uglies), J.K. Rowling (Harry Potter), Rick Riordan (PJO), Anthony Horowitz (Alex Rider), Rodgers & Hammerstein (The Sound of Music), James Patterson (Maximum Ride), Disney (Under the Sea), or Cindy Lauper (Girls Just Wanna Have Fun). Wow, that's a lot…**

* * *

"…then, as I was sliding faster and faster, I saw the lizard, but then the beastie jumped out of the way just in time, it was awesome." Dylan grinned at Alek, who groaned and buried his head in his hands.

"Is there anything you _can't_ do?" Alek moaned, his voice slightly muffled from behind his mechanik's gloves.

"Try me," he proposed, sticking out his tongue.

Alek thought this over for a moment. "Hm…oh, I know." He smirked. "Tell me something that I've never heard before. If you can do that…oh, I'll think of something."

Dylan raised his eyebrows. "Oh, that'll be easy. Let's see…last night, as I was coming off duty, as I was approaching Volger's stateroom, I saw someone slip into his room. It was a woman, so it must have been Dr. Barlow."

Alek rolled his eyes. "I should know. Volger's room is right next to mine, and I heard them all night long." He shuddered and crossed himself.

Dylan winced. "Ouch. Anyways…um, ah, this morning, I went to the lady boffin's room to walk Tazza, but she said I didn't have to, someone else had already done it. Later, while I was doing other business, I saw someone walking with and cuddling Tazza. And guess who it was?"

"Who?"

The middy chuckled. "It was Volger!"

Alek's jaw dropped. "No way. Volger _hates_ Tazza with a passion!"

Dylan shrugged. "I dunno, maybe the lady boffin softened him up last night." They both shuddered, imagining it.

Then Alek shook his head. "No, no. I've never heard anything so preposterous!"

Dylan grinned and held out his hand. "Pay up."

* * *

**Answer: Well, Neville gets his moments, like when he revives the D.A., and slays Nagini. Newkirk, however, hasn't been much in the spotlight; he just got fried while on a flying jellyfish. Maybe in Goliath…**

**Question: What scene am I referring to in the first sentence? **_**" '…but then the beastie jumped out of the way just in time, it was awesome.' "**_

**If I missed any copyrighted material, please tell me!**


	25. Extractions and Storms

**As I can't really rant about Leviathan on (as in, my brain is stuffed full of Leviathan thoughts, but if I wrote them as a fanfic…it would be against regulations and all that whatnot), on my DA account (same username as on fanfiction), I let it loose on my journal. Feel free to check it out if you want to hear the ramblings of a deranged Westerfeld fangirl.**

**Ooh, new pictures. Another vote-thingy, though so technically it's three partially revealed pictures. Whatever…it means more fanfic for you readers!**

**DISCLAIMER: I want to see the pictures…*cries in corner***

* * *

**Chapter 10: A Careful Extraction**

_Barking boffins,_ Deryn thought angrily as she crept through the darkened airship. _And their stupid problems. For crying out loud, can't they just do it themselves? _Dr. Barlow had given her yet _another_ mission, this time to "retrieve a certain item of great importance." She thought back on the conversation in the navigation room…

"_What? No! I am NOT doing any espionage ever again! Remember how many times I almost got killed in Istanbul?"_

_"And that's the point, 'almost.' You certainly have a lot of good luck."_

_"And what if that luck runs out? Besides, I'm fifteen, for goodness' sakes!"_

"_Yes, and Alex Rider's fourteen. Now then, here's the map, and make sure to be very quiet…"_

Deryn sighed, and continued walking. She pulled out the map Dr. Barlow had given her, and took a few steps forward, turned the corner, and froze.

She had walked into a room full of snoring crewmen. The man nearest her snorted in his sleep, and then rolled over. Deryn's eyes widened. By her feet was an item that almost exactly fitted Dr. Barlow's description. She leaned down to pick it up, and stopped, coming to a sudden realization. _Why would it be right here, so easy for me to find? _

Suddenly, a rumbling filled the ship, quiet at first, but quickly building up. The ship shuddered violently, and Deryn staggered, falling against the wall. She ran to the nearest porthole and gazed outside in terror.

It was just as she'd suspected. The ship had taken off.

_Barking boffins._

* * *

**Alternative Chapter 10: A Careful Extraction **"Wake up, you bum-rag," Deryn hissed through clenched teeth. She yanked again on Alek's arm, but he continued snoring, and basically ignoring her.

"Mph…sleep…Stormwalker…mph."

She readjusted her grip and pulled again, careful not to wake the riggers sleeping around him. What was he doing here, anyways?

"Alek, for the tenth time, _wake up!"_ She tugged harder, trying to extract him from the sleeping bag, but Alek remained stuck in the bag. And still fast asleep.

Deryn let go and fell onto the ground panting hard. Maybe the middle of the night wasn't the best time to tell Alek. "I'll tell Alek in the morning," she decided.

"Tell me what?"

Deryn groaned. Now he was awake? Barking princes.

* * *

**Chapter 19: The Coming Storm**

Newkirk began shivering violently. "Mr. Sharp, I think I see some lightning up ahead."

To confirm his thoughts, a distant rumble filled the air, causing the boys to shudder. Even Dylan, who normally seemed fearless, looked nervous, carefully watching the dark clouds directly ahead.

Alek thought back to his history lessons, remembering a small fact about Japan's weather. "Um…" he started, hoping to break the silence. "Apparently, back in the day, the Mongols tried twice to invade Japan, but their ships were sunk both times by some horrible storms like these. They called them _kamikaze_, or divine winds."

The middies stared at him. Dylan blinked, and then smacked his face with his palm. "Leave it to a _prince_ to make this situation worse with barking _history._"

Newkirk remained silent as the _Leviathan_ continued on towards the forbidding dark clouds.

* * *

**Part 1: Yes, ****Alek**** Alex Rider. Gah, I keep mixing those two up.**

**Part 2: Sorry, my brain was bursting with ideas. Also partially inspired by comments on westerblog.**

**Part 3: Mrg…it was a picture called "Firefight in the Air," but...I got nothing.  
**

**Part 4: My history teacher would be proud… **

**Oh, and can anyone help me to come up with a better summary for this story? As of now, it's remarkably short and boring.**

**Answer: This response just tickled me so much: "****Deryn's sliding escape! 'Out of the way, LIZAAAARRRRD!' " – Hopeless Romantic. **

**Question: Which trilogy of Scott Westerfeld's is your favorite: Uglies/Pretties/Specials, Midnighters, Leviathan/Behemoth/Goliath, or New York City Trilogy (Peeps/Last Days/So Yesterday)? (Sheesh. He needs to come up with titles for his trilogies.)**

**Oh, and one reviewer somewhere mentioned enjoying reading PJO tidbits in the author's notes, so…Percy Jackson! Woo!**


	26. Goliath: Beastie or Clanker?

**The revealed picture for **_**Goliath**_** was "A Careful Extraction," and I have to say, it's got more to it than I imagined it would. Woo!**

**I seriously should be working on my English project right now.**

**DISCLAIMER: Why must you torture us with these spoilers? Scott Westerfeld, you are an evil, evil genius…**

* * *

Deryn silently cursed sneaky-boots boffins, squeaky wheels, Charles Darwin, Nikola Tesla—anyone or anything that had contributed to her being in this scenario.

Dr. Barlow had said it would be simple; nothing would go wrong like last time. Besides, she'd reminded her, hadn't it all turned out well in the end last time?

But no, something _always_ had to go wrong, didn't it? Her mother would blame it on her dressing up as a boy, but Deryn didn't think so.

She and Alek raised their arms as a dozen guns were pointed at them. Even Bovril threw its arms into the air, chattering in fear.

They'd almost made it, Deryn recalled. But almost meant nothing now. She remembered the sudden lurch of the zeppelin, the two of them fighting to keep the contraption still as the ship shuddered and creaked in the turbulent air.

The three of them were marched down a narrow corridor, the ship's loud Clanker engines rumbling beneath their feet. Bovril rode upon Alek's shoulders, its tiny arms still comically raised. As they entered the bridge, Deryn peeked out the window. The ground was far beneath them, the landscape flashing by as the ship gained speed.

The captain was looking out the window, effectively ignoring the crewmen and their hostages. They stood there in an awkward silence until one of the crewmen coughed politely, but impatiently. The captain sighed, and turned around. "Who are you," he asked, "and what were you doing with the Goliath?"

* * *

**On the Westerforum Meetup #2, Scott Westerfeld mentioned that the Goliath isn't a beastie. He explained that "****There's this thing called Goliath that scares the crap out of everyone, but Alek and Deryn make it okay.****" He also gave a very enlightening piece of advice: "****Inspiration is dessert. It must be earned with the steamed broccoli of EFFORT." ^.^**

**Answer: Leviathan/Behemoth/Goliath is my favorite, but I also really liked the Last Days (a book that involves a band that summons up giant worms which are then hacked to pieces by angels/vampires is definitely classified as awesome by me.)**

**Question: Prompts, anyone? I'd love some inspiration…**


	27. Above the Influence

**So, after my desperate plea for ideas, I got a bunch of prompts. Thanks, and here goes!**

**I stabbed myself in the foot with a fork as I was writing this. Am I really that clumsy? Wait—don't answer that. Ouch…**

**I'm going to bump the rating for this chapter to T for alcohol reference and a squick of romance (gah! When do I spoof that? *facepalm*)**

**DISCLAIMER: I wish…**

* * *

"Mrg…"

Alek woke up with a pounding headache. He lifted his hand to block the harsh sunlight, and sat up.

"Ah, the prince awakes." Dylan's familiar blond head appeared in his vision, grinning at him.

"What…what happened?" Alek moaned.

Dylan smirked. "I think you had a wee bit too much to drink last night, your princliness. Welcome to 1915!" He grinned and plopped a slightly tattered party hat onto Alek's head. "I never knew you were such a party animal!"

"I—what?"

Dylan laughed. "Do you remember _anything_ that happened last night?"

Alek groaned again. "Was it really that bad?"

"Oh yes, it was. Shall I explain?"

"I'm probably going to regret this, but tell me." He sighed and braced himself. "Did I make a complete fool of myself?"

"That's putting it lightly," the boy said, and began to tick points off on his fingers. "You called Dr. Barlow a godless nincompoop, you dunked Bovril in the punch—twice, and you serenaded the Leviathan. And that was all before eleven; at midnight, oh, at midnight…"

Alek moaned and buried his face in his hands. "If I was that bad, what were you like?"

"What?" Dylan looked affronted. "I'm proud to say I was above the influence."

...Are you above the influence?

* * *

**Artemis and Ernst: Redux**

_ Knock, knock._

"Who is it?" Deryn yelled.

"It's Alek. Can I come in?"

"No."

"Well, my masculine authority overrides your feminine opinions, so I'm coming in anyways."

Deryn groaned and flopped onto her bed as Alek walked in. "What do you want?" she moaned.

"I need your help," Alek replied, closing the door behind him.

"Oh, so _now _you come crawling back to me? Why should I help you? You betrayed me!" She stood up and jabbed her finger into his chest. "You told the captain who I am. You _kne_w the sky is my home. You _knew_ I love flying, the way you love this ship, the way I loved you!"

"Because it's mutual for the two of us. You said it yourself; you don't want to go back to your old life of tea parties and skirts. The captain has just informed me that when we're dropping you off in London, I'll be taken into custody. If we escape the ship together, we'll both be free!"

"Oh, so because you have a problem, you're talking to me again. The world doesn't revolve around you, even if you _are _a barking prince. My answer is still no."

Alek thought it over. "You said you 'loved' me. Do you still love me?"

Deryn rolled her eyes. "Of course I do, you _Dummkopf. _It's not like I can help it."

He held out his hand. "Then come with me."

Deryn stared at it for a moment, and then shook her head. "Still no. Besides, remember what happened last time you dragged me on one of your madcap adventures? We ended with a bunch of barking anarchists, nearly got fried, and—"

Her words were cut off as Alek grabbed her shoulders and kissed her.

When they finally broke apart, Alek smiled at her and said, "Now will you come?"

"You bum-rag," Deryn replied, laughing. "What do you think?"

* * *

**The original prompt from Firefly: "I'd like to see Drunk Alek somewhere in the future..." Oh, the imaginations of us fangirls/guys.  
**

**I'd love some more prompts, so…fire away!**

**Don't expect any updates until the weekend, I've got finals this week. Woo.**

**Answer: How do I answer that?**

**Question: What kind of fabs do you think the Japanese Darwinists will have?**

**By the way...review please? When I see reviews, it's like a little burst of happiness for me...and happiness = inspiration = updates.  
**


	28. K is for Kappas and Kaiju

**Finals are over, thank goodness. And now to kick my butt back into gear.**

**I did a bit of spoiler surfing recently, and discovered some…interesting facts about Goliath (hopefully, I didn't ruin the book for myself…), and I found out what some of the actual Japanese beasties will be. All I can say is…I can't wait for Goliath. **

**Original prompt from LittleSpark: "Um... dinosaurs! Or Pokemon! I don't know! :D But the [Japanese] Darwinists are bound to have them!" This chapter is going to be so much fun…**

**DISCLAIMER: I disclaim ownership of Leviathan (the books and the whale), but I claim ownership of the word "Whaleshipping."**

* * *

Alek stared out the window, not really paying attention to the view, but deep in thought. The Japanese ocean sparkled in the sunlight as the _Leviathan _flew over the aptly named Sea of Japan.

Suddenly, the water started churning, and something green and scaly burst out of the water.

. . .

"GAH!"

Deryn jumped, and swore. "Newkirk! What did you do this time?" She glared accusingly at the boy.

He held his arms up in surrender. "It wasn't me, I swear."

"Who else has such a girlishly high scream? Only you would—oh, wait." She stopped, realizing the only other possible culprit. Deryn turned and ran for the ratlines. "ALEK!"

. . .

Deryn burst through Alek's stateroom door to find him gaping out the window. On his face was an expression of shock, and from his mouth came an incoherent noise. "Ma—huma—humana—huh?"

Deryn stared at him. "Um…what?"

Wordlessly, Alek lifted a hand to point out the window. She ran over to check it out, and groaned. "Oh, come on, Alek. We _are_ in Darwinist territory, after all. Don't get your knickers in a twist over such a wee little thing." She took a closer look at the fabrication leaping around in the water. "It looks a bit like the kelpies we have back home."

"What?" Apparently Alek had found his voice again. "You mean…England has those, too?"

"Of course!" Deryn said, ready to take advantage of this situation. "They're said to take the form of a horse or a beautiful women, but they also lure children, yes, that includes you, into the water to eat them. Of course, that's only local folklore…but there are strange rumors that float around…" She grinned evilly as Alek looked ready to faint.

She looked out the window again. "I wonder what other beasties the Japanese have? Why don't you ask Dr. Barlow; she ought to know, being the annoyingly smart boffin she is."

. . .

"…they're mostly based off creatures from Japanese mythology. For example, there are kappas, which are little water beasts that eat children and cucumbers, and kaiju, which are similar to giant monsters. I believe there are some kaiju kennels in Hiroshima and Nagasaki, which is actually not too far from Tokyo, and—Alek? Are you okay?" Dr. Barlow looked at him prone form on the ground in mild concern.

Deryn, who had been silently laughing in the corner as Alek's expression grew even more panicky, shook her head. "I…don't think…he'll…need it," she gasped between silent bouts of laughter. "Although, if he reacts that way to those little things, I don't want to see his reaction to the things the Americans have cooked up."

* * *

**I apologize for my moments of nerdiness in writing this chapter…**

**Anyways, the spoiler thingy mentioned, "Japan's swarming kappa…[and] kaiju kept in massive kennels at Hiroshima & Nagasaki." **

**Answer: As you can see, the Japanese fabs include kappas and kaijus. Also, some Mexican fabs (yes, the Mexicans are Darwinist) include manta-ships and fabricated bulls (what else?).**

**Question: Who do you think is most likely to die in Goliath?**

**Prompts still accepted. I've gotten some interesting ideas already, and I'd love more.  
**

**Oh, and thanks for all the reviews!**


	29. Do and Don't

**School's out, but unfortunately that means I'll be updating less and/or at odd intervals, because my schedule is really discombobulated this summer. I'm going to Banff (before you ask, that's a lake in Alberta, Canada), New York, and New Jersey, but at other times I'll be sitting around at home watching Youtube all day long. Sigh…**

**Yeah, I can't think of anything to write, so this is a little filler.  
**

**DISCLAIMER: I still wish.**

* * *

I've seen a lot of guides for fanfiction and whatnot, so I want to reiterate some main points: (Oh, and feel free to skip this if you think it doesn't apply to you.)

**Characters:** When writing an original story or creating an OC, you can spell your characters' names however you want. But, when writing fanfiction, you have to follow how the author has spelled the characters' names.

For example, one of the more commonly misspelled names in the Leviathan section is Lilit. It's not Lillit, Lilitia or Lilith. Lilith is an "apocryphal Jewish demon queen," according to Google, not a badass lesbian warrior-anarchist. L-I-L-I-T.

A few others: Deryn, not Dyren, Darren, or Dereyn. It's Alek, not Alec; and Aleksandar, not Alexander, Aleksander, or any other discombobulated form of their names.

**General spelling: **One word. SPELLCHECK. I've seen a lot of fanfics with good ideas, but the spelling and/or grammar distracts me from the story. Use capital letters at the beginning of a sentence or when using a proper noun, and always, ALWAYS capitalize "I", as in "I am" or "I will".

Usually, when writing a fanfiction, you first type it out on a word processor, such as Microsoft Word. These usually have a spell-checking tool, and when you misspell a word, a little red line will appear under it, telling you to check it. Even if your word processor doesn't have one, the document manager on this site does. Therefore, it's always a good idea to read over your work a couple times before hitting the "Publish" button.

And yes, I have been guilty of misspelling words in my stories, so I might sound like a hypocrite, but I spell-check and read over my work more frequently than I did in the past. *grins sheepishly*

**Reviews/Requests: **Have you seen reviews for books or movies? They're usually at least a couple sentences long, and explain what they liked and/or disliked about it. If a reviewer just wrote "OMG I LOVED IT!" or "This was horrible," then they wouldn't be doing their job properly.

Obviously, yours don't have to be as detailed and fancy-schmancy as those, but you want to state what you thought of the story, and then explain why you feel that way about it. And please refrain from using language that you might use in texting or IM-ing. You've got a full keyboard, and plenty of space and time, and it can look like you're being too lazy to write a proper review.

The idea of writing a review is to let the writer know how their writing is, and to help a writer make it even better, so constructive criticism is also appreciated. No writer is perfect, after all. For example, one review I got said: "Your writing is a little choppy. I mean you go from 'metaphorical corner' to 'came forth from the bowels of the Leviathan.' Remember, you asked for constructive criticism." THAT is an example of a helpful review (there are many others as well). (From oraldisaster101)

As for requests, usually a one-liner is sufficient. When writing off a prompt for school, the topic is usually general to allow for variety and creativity. If you have a super-detailed plot outline as your request, then you're better off writing it yourself, because your idea is well-developed, and you're not allowing for a lot of creativity from the author.

Does anyone think the idea of a writing trade would be good? To explain, two or more authors trade ideas or partially written stories and see what the other can do with it, like an art trade.

Hope you found this helpful! (And sorry about my extensive rants.)

* * *

**For a better guide, see dnrl's "A Guide to Writing Fanfiction," which can be found under my favorites.  
**

**Sorry for the lack of stories, the post-school euphoria is still with me. But inspiration is not.  
**

**Answer: I think SW mentioned somewhere that neither Alek nor Deryn are dying material, but that a major character would die. Meh…we'll have to wait until September to find out. 3 more months…**

**Question: If you had the opportunity, what question(s) would you ask Scott Westerfeld?**

**Review, please? A few seconds of your time makes me so much happier!**


	30. Kappa Tea

**Happy 4****th**** of July to us USians! And happy late Canada Day, and…whatever other holidays are occurring now. (Er…at least, when I started this it was July 4****th****…)**

**And to think, it all started with tea…**

**DISCLAIMER: Ooh, another Goliath picture. *spazzes* Time to write a story…**

* * *

"…and that is why the Clanker powers will always be superior."

"I'd think not. Would you like a cup of tea, Count?"

"Certainly, Dr. Barlow." He set his cup in front of her, and she poured some of the floral-scented liquid into it. Volger took a sip of it, and as Dr. Barlow began pouring a second cup for herself, the two of them heard the rumble of cannon fire from outside. Dr. Barlow dropped the teapot, which landed back on the table with a clink.

She walked over to the window, and sighed. "The Japanese navy has arrived. Really, I would appreciate it if they could refrain from causing such a ruckus. It's not good for the loris." She nodded at the creature, which was curled up in a ball on the table, squeaking in fear.

Volger set down his teacup and joined her at the window. A German steamship bristling with guns and cannons was chugging through the water, its kraken-fighting arms snapping menacingly at the air. Smoke poured from its cannons as the German crew fired again at a slim black warship flying a flag with a single red circle against a white background.

Another peal of thunder shook the air. The Japanese ship had fired back, but their guns were much smaller and they seemed hopelessly outmatched. "See, Doctor? The Clanker way of battling is more superior than your godless beasts." He turned away from the carnage below, confident in his victory.

Suddenly, an unearthly snarling came from outside, followed by the shouts of the crew on the German warship. "What in blazes?" Volger looked up, startled, and turned back to the window.

A dozen or so scaly green crocodile-like creatures were swarming in the water around the warship. One of them attempted to climb aboard but was blasted away by the German crew's cannons. Even as it fell back into the water, its brethren clambered aboard, soon overwhelming the crew. One of them clamped its jaws around a crewman, and the unfortunate man's shrieks carried all the way up to Volger's ears.

Dr. Barlow appeared next to him, looking to see what was causing all the ruckus. "Oh, it appears the Japanese navy has unleashed their kappas," she said. "Another Darwinist victory, it seems. Care for another cup of tea, Count?"

* * *

"**I figured that Japanese boffins would take their inspiration from creatures like kappa (who are water spirits), even if they were using the life threads of real creatures to make them…Anyway, that was my thinking behind the kappa, and about how Japanese boffins would approach fabrication overall. Also, the Japanese Navy was bad-ass back then, so they had to look pretty scary too. And Keith is good at scary."** **– Scott Westerfeld. **

**Answer: At the last Westerforum meet-up, I asked the question from chapter 21: "Does the **_**Leviathan **_**have a tail?" He replied: "Yes! You will SEE it and we will GO back there in Goliath."**

**Question: If Russia has fabricated fighting bears, and Japan has fabricated kappas, then will China have fabricated pandas? *crosses fingers***

**I appear to have an obsession with kappas…What? They're awesome. See Keith Thompson's picture. **


	31. Theme and Variations

***shame* What can I say? What excuses do I have? "I've been away." Riiiight.**

**Or maybe it's because I've spent the last month and a half creating some amazing, mind-blowing masterpiece. You tell me.**

******One more chapter to go…**

* * *

_"Siberia," Alek said. The word slipped cold and hard from his tongue, as forbidding as the landscape passing below._*

**1. If Goliath was a musical:**

_The screen is black, but a disembodied voice can be heard._

ALEK: Siberia.

_Fade in from black. A bathroom can be seen, and _ALEK _is staring at the mirror. The camera pans from a side view so that it is focused on the mirror with his reflection staring at the camera._

ALEK: _(enunciating)_ Si-_ber_-ia.

_He takes a deep breath._

ALEK: _(opera-style) _Siiii-beeer-iaaaaaaaa!

ALEK's _voice goes higher in pitch, until it reaches two octaves above the original note. _OTHER CREWMEN _harmonize with him as an orchestra also joins in. The music crescendos, then cuts off as the words "Scott Westerfeld's GOLIATH" appear. Cut to black._

**2. If Goliath was a children's television show designed to teach them German called "Guten tag, Alek!":**

_Theme song plays._

_Cut to title: In large block letters are the words "Guten tag, Alek! (Officially known as Prince Aleksandar von Hohenburg, who may or may not be an archduke depending on the new pope and this scroll thing but it's a secret so shhh!)" against a background of a blue sky with fluffy clouds and flying whales. At the bottom of the screen are Alek and company, in chibi form._

_Cut to Alek, smiling and waving at the screen._

ALEK: Hi, kids! Today we're going to Siberia!

_He wraps his arms around his arms and shivers, making an unhappy face._

ALEK: It's really _kälte_ there. Can you say _" kälte__"?_

**3. If Goliath was a book—wait, it is. Oops. Never mind. Heh. **

This is getting awkward. Please stop staring at me.

* * *

**The real reason is because it's summer, and to me, summer = sit in bed, eat ramen noodles, and watch Fullmetal Alchemist all day. Fuuuun.**

**This was supposed to be longer, but…I got sidetracked too much, so this is what you've got. I hoped that because Hurricane Irene killed our cable, I would be able to focus on this, but…no.**

**On the bright side, the September picture reveal is captioned "The walker shoots Deryn." Seriously.**

*First line of Goliath


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